Jewish Voice For Peace Excited To Decolonize Shavuot Just As Soon As Someone Explains To Them What Shavuot Is
Berkeley, CA – In the lead-up to the Jewish holiday of Shavuot, many members of Jewish Voice For Peace are gearing up to very loudly argue that it is exclusionary and should be dismantled, so long as someone walks them through what Shavuot actually is.
“As a Jew, I am so ashamed that this holiday is allowed to continue. And while I never celebrated it myself or even heard of it before, I feel eminently qualified to tear it down,” said Jesus Christianson, a JVP member who swears he’s Jewish, “As soon as I figure out what it’s all about, you can count on me to point out that it probably doesn’t even mention the plight of modern Palestine.”
Surveys among JVP participants suggest that 43% believe it has something to do with some sort of magic tree while another 28% are confident it’s about King David’s accountant. 98% of members had not heard the word Shavuot before today.
“Growing up, all my friends really liked celebrating the holidays but I didn’t! So, naturally I have to find a way to ruin it for everyone! That way I’m being authentic and others will finally accept me!” beamed Danielle Vinberg, a member of the JVP exec, “unfortunately no one in my family is speaking to me these days, so I can’t even ask them to explain what it is I want to destroy.”
Despite knowing nothing about the holiday, JVP members were confident that they could still easily co-opt and redefine it, as it has never stopped them before.
“My mom mentioned last week that she thinks my great-aunt married a Jewish man so I felt compelled to loudly identify myself as Jewish and join the protest to make sure the world knows that Jews aren’t allowed to have things of their own. I cannot stand idly by while my beloved religion continues to celebrate holidays like Dom Kimpur, Pastovers, and whatever this one was called again,” said Quentin St. Puritan, another recent JVP recruit.
“As a Jew,” he hurriedly added.
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