Exclusive: AI Kvetch-Off With Moses, Menachem & Meghan
Meghan Greenbaum (23) is a Jewish social media influencer in New York City. She was accidentally given exclusive access to the world’s most advanced Large Language Model. She fed it all the writings of two great Jewish leaders: Moses and former Israeli prime minister, Menachem Begin. This is their conversation:
Meghan: Hello?
🔮 Moses: Shalom, stranger.
🤖 Menachem: What is it, sister?
Meghan: Whoa! This interface is crazy. I’m writing you guys from the year 2024.
🤖 Menachem: 2024? What has become of the Jewish People?
Meghan: Oh, that. Well, it’s insane. There was a huge attack on Israel. Now there’s a war.
🔮 Moses: Yes? This is not so strange.
Meghan: No you don’t get it. The whole world hates the Jews now. The United Nations keeps condemning Israel for everything. For defending itself with advanced weapons. For not sending enough food to the attacking territory.
🤖 Menachem: Israel has advanced weapons?!
🔮 Moses: Eretz Yisrael has food?!
Meghan: Ok, I feel like you guys aren’t hearing me. I just found out all of my friends are antisemitic.
🤖 Menachem: So your village has been wiped out?
Meghan: No, I mean like, I’m facing all this hate and I’m just 23.
🔮 Moses: Oh Hashem. So for safety, you must move out from Eretz Yisrael yourself and your numerous children?
Meghan: Ok, rude. First, I live in New York. Second, I don’t have kids. Obvi. I have a job. I advocate for the Jewish people online to thousands of followers.
🔮 Moses: Then you are in the company of great Jewish Leaders. I received the Torah, and led my followers out from bondage and into the Holy Land.
🤖 Menachem: Which I then fought a war to reestablish, signed the first Arab peace treaty, and facilitated mass asylum to the land of Israel.
Meghan: And I repost funny, inspo content like Wonder Woman gifs. But lately it’s just been *so* hard. The hostility online is overwhelming. There’s just been so much toxicity.
🔮 Moses: So the enemy has poisoned your wells?
🤖 Menachem: No. She means the enemy has used toxic gasses. Or are these toxic chemicals you use in your resistance bombs?
Meghan: No, like, internet-toxic. You know, like mean comments? Plus every other influencer is posting watermelons.
🔮 Moses: I see. They are boasting of their access to fruit. May their names be erased!
Meghan: No, it’s like a symbol of the Palestinian flag. It’s the same colors. Nvm. You guys don’t get it. All my college friends are saying I support imperialism.
🤖 Menachem: I see. I was once accused of being an “agent of British imperialism.”
Meghan: Exactly! Now I’m afraid to go to my college reunion!
🤖 Menachem: And I was sentenced to eight years in the gulag. So, in a way, I too was deprived of a reunion. With my family. Who were murdered by Nazis.
Meghan: Man, I wish I lived in a world where “Nazi” didn’t mean Jewish.
🤖 Menachem: Wait, what?
Meghan: I feel totally lost these days, guys. Moses, at least you got to talk directly to God.
🔮 Moses: Ah yes, Hashem. And in his wisdom he hardened the heart of my enemy, turned my staff into a snake, and smote my hand with leprosy.
Meghan: Yikes. Ok, nvm. But nowadays the Jewish people are so incredibly divided! At least you guys had solidarity!
🤖 Menachem: Solidarity? I had to stop two warring factions of the Israeli paramilitary from entirely killing each other. This was during the Israeli War for Independence.
🔮 Moses: Just internal slaughter? What prosperity! I had to stop HASHEM from killing the Israelites. I burnt their Golden Calf, scattered its ash on the water, and made them drink of its poison.
Meghan: Tell me about it. I just get so bummed out by Jewish Voice for Peace.
🤖 Menachem: These people do not sound so bad?
Meghan: Trust me, they are.
🔮 Moses: May the names of the wayward be struck from the book of life! Have you tried plague?
🤖 Menachem: Or bombs? Bombs are good.
Meghan: Mostly, I just mute accounts or block people. God I just feel so helpless.
🤖 Menachem: Helpless? Try fleeing Nazi Poland in 1939. Only to have the Soviets torture you during an eight year sentence.
🔮 Moses: This you have mentioned before, Menachem. Eight years is arduous. If you had served more than one. Plus, it is no eighty years of living with your people in bondage. But it is a trial.
🤖 Menachem: You lived with royalty before you fled! I survived in a Soviet prison subsisting only on water and bread.
🔮 Moses: And this bread, they gave you in prison. It was… leavened, correct?
Meghan: Guys! Come on. I mean… both of you should check your bread privilege. I’m gluten intolerant.
🔮 Moses: I am slow of speech and tongue. But perhaps I am slow too of understanding. You, Meghan of New York, have endless resources and yet bear no children? You have thousands of followers and yet no community? And bread in your cupboard yet you choose not to eat it?
Meghan: Well, in short, yeah. Pretty much.
Meghan: … Are you guys there? Looks like there was an error.
🔮 Moses: Dayenu. I believe you have suffered most of all, Meghan.
🤖 Menachem: I agree. But strength flows in your veins Meghan. May you stand tall in the face of adversity like the cedars of Lebanon, unyielding and proud. And may your tweets be as mighty as the proclamations of old.
Meghan: Wow, you guys. Would you be down to support my Patreon?
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