Hegseth Mandates Annual Dick Measuring Contest for All US Military Personnel

In what analysts are calling a colossal deviation from protocol, United States Secretary of Defense Pete Hegseth has issued an order mandating an annual dick measuring contest for all US military personnel on active duty.

“Anyone who thinks he’s man enough for the US Military should be willing to drop trow and prove it”, said Hegseth. “I will be watching closely and personally verifying length, girth, curve, and overall shape”, he added.

The detailed text of the order described the need for any modern warfighting force to have an above-average penile mass, with an excerpt stating: “…particularly in the age of AI and decentralized drone-based warfare a man’s gotta be willing to prove he’s got a big ol’ Johnson, lay it on the table, and show that he’s fit for battle. Would you want to be in a foxhole knowing the guy next to you’s just got a teeny weeny micro-dongus? Neither would we. That’s why we’re doing this.”

The annual competition, to be termed “The Armed-Forces Third-Leg Jamboree”, will take place at US military bases across the globe, with enlisted personnel and officers lining up across from one another at dawn, as the American flag is raised to full-mast, then simultaneously dropping their pants at the blast of a bugle. After an independent and nonpartisan team of nurses measure, photograph, and check the collectively displayed man-meat for contraband prostheses, everyone is then invited to a sausage cookout as results are tabulated.

Soldiers from elite units such as the Navy SEALs have already begun stocking up on all manner of member-enhancing agents in advance of the rule change. This has caused quite a headache for the Army’s cyber department due to a flood of compromised military computers where users had reportedly clicked on spam emails that promised several inches growth or your money back. One member of the Marines was even hospitalized after acquiring a questionable pump-style enlargement device from Sweden.

There were several questions from reporters regarding how this change would affect women in the military, with Hegseth stating, “well, clearly that would bring down the average numbers significantly, so that’s something we’re gonna have to think about. We don’t mean to be sexist but rules are rules.”

When asked why the detailed order exempted Secretary Hegseth himself from the annual proceedings, he mumbled something about having already been measured when he took the job so there’s no need for further verification, “It’s huge though” he said as he quickly left the podium, taking no further questions.

The Secretary’s office has been rumored to be planning further amendments to standing orders such that an officer’s overall length would be the primary method for determining chain of command going forward, rather than seniority or rank.